To Catch a Writer
by DoubtableSanity
Summary: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black’s memoirs and she can‘t go home until she gets them. The only problem is he’s avoiding her.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: To Catch A Writer**

**Author: DoubtableSanity**

**Summery: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black's memoirs and she can't go home until she gets them. The only problem is he's avoiding her. **

**Disclaimer: I own only Mortimer. JKR owns HP and all character in the series. I just constantly try to kidnap them.**

**Author's Note: A fair Note to everyone this is my first story but I will not read any flames sent only the constructive criticism. **

**CHAPTER 1**

'It's amazing what could be found in a diary. A life that you never dreamed possible is laid out before your eyes if you only take the time to read it's pages. Who will you discover in this gray leather bound , a wizard, an abused child, an unloved person, a person left without hope? Its true you can find many people in a diary, but what happens when the find you?'

"Wow that sounds awesome" I heard a voice over my shoulder

''Yeah it is, considering the book really sucked."

"Aww I'm sure it didn't you just probably annoyed that you didn't get to read your precious Quibbler"

Turning around from my agronomic desk in a cubical barely large enough to move around in I saw Dresden, 35, hopeless adorable, and horribly dressed and single Dresden, my boss. _Yippee, _can't you just hear my enthusiasm . .err . .sarcasm.

Giving him a brief smile in acknowledgement, I turned back to my work. The _wonderful and exciting _world of writing summaries for worst … err… okay so not _all_ of them are worst selling (but a few are) books. You know what I mean those summaries written on the back of the book and the brief teaser paragraphs, that's me, if the author is too damn busy to do it themselves.

Man, I hate my job. Read a book write a summery of for it that it really doesn't deserve making it more interesting than it is. But this is the only job I can really get while I am still in school.

"Thanks it's amazing how much time you find to watch over my shoulder." I quipped because I knew he would turn red.

Sure enough… turning explosive candy apple red in 3.. 2..1.. we have hit critical embarrassment .

Laughing, I turned back to him trying on to stare at his ridiculous trout tie, " I will not go out with you, Des and the tie before Will feels like gone fly fishing without magic _again_." Will tried to practice fly fishing in the office once, lets just say he forgot the safety spells and everyone has had a healthy fear of flying hooks ever since then.

Laughing he turns away, "I didn't come over for that _this time"_

This was our routine ever since we dated 3 years ago. He comes over compliments my work, I embarrass him, he laughs , asks me anyway, than tells me why I should be in a relationship but not with him.

But not this time, this time he has an assignment for my other position which I occupy, Pain-in-the-ass-to-all-authors-who-can't-stand-the-other-employees, as I was so lovingly called by Mr. Lovegood . I always enjoyed bugging him though, he always gave me an interesting article to read over on my nights off.

" You have to meet with Sirius Black and get those _damn_ memoirs from him."

Swiveling my chair to him as he turned back to me I saw that he wasn't pulling my chain. _Holy shitzu batman! _Looking into his eyes I saw no deceit. _He's serious! He wants me to get the "Infamous Memoirs" from HIM._

"No, no, not happening" this is my mantra. Maybe if I saw it long enough I wont have to meet with a convicted murderer. Damn! Ok so maybe he was found innocent a year ago but that only proves to me that he has enough money to bribe or had Dumbledore scare the bunnies out of a few judges, albeit spineless judges but judges none the less.

Seeing Dresden's face, I give in, he only gives me this look when he calls in a favor and Merlin knows I could always use this favor for something good. Smiling somewhat evilly I turn to him fully, Dresden pales realizing how much he's gonna owe me. I wasn't a Slytherin for nothing.

"When do I leave to meet Mr. Found-innocent ?"

Shifting a bit Dres answers "in fourty minutes."

"WHAT?! You arse wipe." gaping at him I realized he played me. Dropping my head I muttered " you knew I would say yes"

I barely registered what he said before I punched him or I would have if he hadn't caught my fist very roughly and forced it open before depositing a folder and a portkey.

" you Mother fu…'' was my parting goodbye.

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well that's all for now the next chapter will be longer and out in 2 days.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: To Catch A Writer**

**Author: DoubtableSanity**

**Summery: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black's memoirs and she can't go home until she gets them. The only problem is he's avoiding her. **

**Disclaimer: I own only Mortimer. JKR owns HP and all character in the series. I just constantly try to kidnap them.**

**Author's Note: A fair Note to everyone this is my first story. Also a bit of OoC in Severus and Remus. Enjoy. **

**CHAPTER 2**

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He is so lucky magic is impossible in that building or else he'd have bats flying out of his ass. Speaking of bats I need to owl my father soon before he sends out Dray to hunt me down and make sure I'm alright then drag me back for my painful death.

Seeing my destination I winced at the exterior of the building of 11 Grimauld and 13 ..wait where's 12.

Checking my file, I realized it was hidden, finding a scrap of paper with '12 grim auld' scribed on it . Looking up just in time to see 12 appear. I went to go knock on the door only to have it opened by a man with sandy brown hair open it.

"You must be Mrs. Mortimer." reaching to shake his hand I corrected him "Miss actually but leave that out just call me Mortimer, Mr.…"

Giving me an easy going smile as he ushered me in he said "oh forgive my poor manners, Lupin, Remus lupin"

Laughing I could help but joke "don't you mean" giving my best Sean Connery impersonation "Bond, James Bond." seeing his shock and recognition to my muggle movie reference I laughed even harder. It took him a while but eventually he joined in. _Damn he looks good when he laughs. I wonder what he looks like when he's … Bad thought BEGONE!_

Unfortunately drapes surrounding a picture flew open to release howls from a painting the would make a banshee run for cover. "Did she just call me a mud blood whore!" turning to the her, aka the painting of the bitch with a stick up her ass. "Go get yourself laid you pyro-pedo-podo-necrophiliac" this was apparently not appreciated by her as her volume and wrath only increased

Our commotion apparently drew an audience because I immediately realized I was beginning stared at by 8 pairs of eyes. Coming down from my laughing high was becoming slightly annoyed by their persistent staring, actually I think as red haired boy was actually gaping at me. I really didn't know why the were staring haven't the ever seen a witch with a sign on her abdomen that said 'enter her with an arrow pointed down' wait a tick …"EEP!"

Immediately I tried to rip it off only to find it stuck, and as I turned around still yanking on it I heard Lupin burst out laughing even harder. I craned my head to follow his gaze to my rear where another side read 'or here with lots of lube' it took a second but I recognized the hand writing , Dresden.

Seeing red I ripped the signs off with a bit of magical help from Remus as he told me to call him after our 'intimate affair' a.k.a. the sign removing with much laughter and _accidental_ groping on his part. Accidental my ass, literally!

After calming him down I was introduced to the clan of Weasleys and the gaping one I found was Ron. Though they all asked what was my last name I learned long ago not to reveal that unless I wanted either strange looks or glares from current or former students of my father's. smoothly evading their questions I asked for Mr. Sirius just-found innocent Black only to be told he was in Italy for the day. _Just great!_

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After I calmed down, everyone decided to have tea in the dining room. I was sitting next to Remus, so I could smack him if he decided to make another remark, I swear that's all. Okay well that and ogle his but when he bent over the table to reach for a beignet. _Mmm I know I would love to lick him GAH! that's it no more thinking for me!_

I was rudely pulled out of my staring session by Bill, who sat on my left, asking me a question. "what?"

"What the hell did you call Mrs. Black I 've never heard her that loud?"

"nothing bad," I said , putting on my innocent face "just that she likes to have sex with dead baby feet while they're on fire." I think I said it to loud and here is the list of damage that comment made.

6 weasleys choking , the other 2 choking as well but not as long cause Bill burst out laughing and Mrs Weasley fainted, and well Remus doubled over laughing/choking giving me a perfect view of his ass again.

So that's what the scene of chaos was when my father walked in with Albus , Minerva, and Draco in tow.

Fortunately they took one look and just walked out. But my father did say something along the lines of only he could be cursed by fates with such a daughter.

"Severus really!"

"SEVERUS!" Minerva shouted at him. Looking at her with look of mischief "Bad KITTY!" poped out of his mouth followed by evil laughter . Minerva sprouted cat ears and a cat tail!

"WARNING: hell froze over, and someone kidnapped Sev and is impersonating him!'' that was Remus. I swear it, I felt like keeping my head besides I couldn't stop laughing to say but I hear _'danger will Roberson danger' melt down in 3..2..1..Father has reached critical anger… run forest RUN!_

In split second Remus and I exchanged a glance and ran for it followed very closely be an enraged Severus and several bats driping blood from their fangs. I saw the portrait wisely stayed closed, I guess she does have a sense of survival after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: To Catch A Writer**

**Author: DoubtableSanity**

**Summery: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black's memoirs and she can't go home until she gets them. The only problem is he's avoiding her. But Remus isn't. **

**Disclaimer: I own only Mortimer. JKR owns HP and all character in the series. I just constantly try to kidnap them.**

**Author note: A bit of OOC in all characters.**

**CHAPTER 3**

Laughing and running for your life is never a good idea for two reasons.

1.) its harder to breathe, hence you get tired faster.

2.) It really pisses off the person chasing you even more.

As we were running I saw Remus turning all shades of red and purple from the exertion of laughing and running for our very not so pain filled lives …again. Yes again. After about 5 minutes of running top speed, I got it into my head that maybe Severus wouldn't try to kill his own daughter. I know he can be very cruel but he is still human. I blame the oxygen deprivation for that thought.

Fortunately for us he didn't expect for us to stop so suddenly and nearly knocked him self out trying to stop. I didn't hear what Remus was trying to tell me, I mean really how could I had to deal with a murderous father. A murderous father that could make pain and temporary insanity seem like candy canes and lollipops, bloody candy canes and lollipops.

Unfortunately, I was wrong, really wrong, perhaps I should have let go of Remus' hand before I called out "daddy." The moment I did he took one look at our hands then _tried_ to hex us, notice I said tried. He tripped over the rug in the room and missed us. _oh crap he missed. Danger! Danger! Run Forest Run!_

One thing I learned about dad growing up was his aim was good, really, _really_ good and missing his target just plain pissed him off. Believe me my but remembers the spanking hexes missed ones and not. So we dodged the next hex he shot, then ran for our lives _again._ We I ran as I dragged Remus laughing his ass off his incredibly adorable ass off. I seriously need to ask my shrink about my ass fixation, or rather my fixation over his ass.

Seeing a red light fly past our heads barely missing us , I ran into the nearest room dragging Remus into it behind me.

"don't close…" I closed it before he could finish "the door"

I put my back against the door and slide down "why?"

"oh I don't know, maybe because it's a prison room you decided to drag us into." I liked it when he tried to look nonchalant in the beginning, but by the end he looked pissed "The only prison room in this area of this house! And only a Black can open the door." By this time he was pacing fast and hard.

I got up so I could stop him from pacing. "well it's a good thing your friends with a Black, because as soon as he gets back he let us out" watching him turn away. _This is the moment when dread walks up punches you and says 'have a nice day'. _"…right?"

I saw turn around with a sheepish look, _damn, _" I kind of pulled a prank on him before he left and a have a follow up for the moment he gets back". _and father said he was the responsible quiet one. Responsible and quiet my ass!_ he started pacing and wringing his hands again.

"it couldn't have been that bad." when I saw him turn around with a mischievous grin I knew it was. "did you read after the final battle about Sirius and a few other unregistered animagus sneaking in to attack Voldemort's forces from the rear. Well, Sirius' form is that of a dog. Well I set him up with a Blond _prettier than a puddle._"

I remembered their forms very well, I saw them sneaking in but I didn't send up the alarm like I was supposed to. I really hated Old Voldie Boy. Dad and Harry always laughed at that nickname when I said it.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing just a bit of transfiguration" Note to all women and men never trust a one Mr. Remus J. Lupin when he gives you that shit-eating grin coupled with that sentence.

Then it clicked "anything transfigured wants to revert to it's original form. When?" _don't tell me. Oh crap please don't tell me._

"During a very strenuous activity. He ran out screaming, naked, and still wearing a condom. Poor Harry didn't see him till Sirius ran into him and sent them both crashing to the floor." he was looking up as if he was truly enjoying the memory.

I grinned " always enjoyed to rear view." he turned away to pick up a pillow. _oh that derrière could condem me any day. _Looking back I heard him whisper "not as much as you" _damn! I got red paint on my hands._

_I will try to update more often but I am having computer trouble so bear with me. Also if anyone wants to be my beta reader I would really appreciate it, just leave your email address in a review._


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: To Catch A Writer**

**Author: DoubtableSanity**

**Summery: Mortimer has been assigned to get Sirius Black's memoirs and she can't go home until she gets them. The only problem is he's avoiding her. But Remus isn't. **

**Disclaimer: I own only Mortimer. JKR owns HP and all character in the series. I just constantly try to kidnap them.**

**Author note: A bit of OOC in all characters.**

**CHAPTER 4**

I woke on the small circular bed in the center of the room. It was official I trapped us in the most luxurious prison room known to man.

It really was a beautiful room, smack dab in the center room was a circular bed with the most comfortable sheets and covers, believe me I'm still tangled in them. But even though it was a circular bed it still had posts weird but cool.

Remus was in the Southeast corner of the room sitting in a reading chair singing and reading a book from the shelf next to him. Apparently he's down to 14 bottles of beers ..err books, and he's taking them off the shelf as he counts down.

"I'm not picking those up. You made the mess _you _clean it up." I turned away from his amused smile to look at the room again. The two sliding doors on the east wall went to the walk in closet and a huge bathroom.

Looking back to Remus I saw him looking at the 'treasure chest', I refuse to call it that, against the north wall. It was a trunk with odds and ends and, _oh gods help me, kinky sex toys! What kind of prison room was this!_

Blushing red I remembered when I pulled out the whip and gave an experimental crack, Remus took off his belt brandishing it like a whip. "no, like this" _crack! _I turned to his face he had a grin that could make an angel fall. all I remember was thinking _oh hell _before it turned black.

"feeling better?" I saw he was trying not to laugh, I think that annoyed me more that fact that I fainted. He walked over to the bed as I blushed from embarrassment and shock. Why shock? Most of my clothes were missing!! "you're a perv"

Leaning over he nearly brushed my nose with mine. "no I just thought you would be more comfy like that… would like to get more comfy?" _I'm a Cherry flavored snowball in hell. I'm melting, melting._

"You're worse than a dog in heat" He fell off the bed laughing. I think he remembered Sirius with the poodle. Thinking of that made me laugh a bit a well. Poor Harry.

One of the last times I saw Harry was after Old Voldie Fart's was defeated. He didn't stay for the party that was host by Hogwarts and the teaching staff. He just went to his old room in te gryifndor tower. I remembered an hour into the party I went to check on him. He had cried himself to sleep but for the first time I saw a smile on his face. Then he woke up and pointed he wand in my face nearly poking my eye out.

"geez Harry just because your blind as a bat doesn't me we all have to be." He just laughed in a very dreamy way and laid back down. Seeing he was tired I left him but not before I heard him whisper "I'm finally free"

About a month later I saw him again at a private hearing to convict former death eaters. There he just raised his eyebrows at seeing me and my father severus there, then vouched for me while Albus dumbledore vouched for my dad. That's when I had to tell harry and my dad (earlier i told my dad I had only been one for a few months) how long I really had been a Death eater, 4 and a half years, and why. Lets just saw my dad wasn't none too happy, and Harry .. well Harry just said "ahh happy disfunctional families at their best" with a wistful smile before running off with my dad behind him.

I came back to the present to see Remus alternating between singing and laughing his ass off. It was kind of scary really._Maybe I should get him a straight jacket and tell it's special so he can huge himself._

4 hours of songs and laughing later

"Its official, you have lost what was left of your mind and all sense of self preservation. … Stop singing!" I said to a very giddy and still laughing and singing Remus. "Gods you can hear me can you?"

I stood from the small bed to kick something, preferably his cute tush which was in the air cause he was now laughing on all fours. She aims, she kicks, he drops, and "OWW!" not bull's eye! Hopping on one foot while trying to kiss my foot I tripped over Remus who only laughed harder.

"I see London. I see France. I see Morti's underpants"_ that's it! It was bad enough hearing I know a song that gets on everyone's nerves and this is the song that never ends for 4 hours now this! Doesn't this man every lose his voice!_

"AHH!!" I jumped on his back and used his discarded belt to tied him to one of the post. Smiling in triumph I saw him pout "but I'm a werewolf". I burst out laughing. " you may be a werewolf but they are weak compared to annoyed PMSing females!"

I crawled off the bed when I heard him whisper something. "shouldn't you've changed that by now?"

Turning back I saw his eyes had turned gold. "what?" came out as barely a squeak.

He looked at my lower body then looked me square in the eyes full before I heard "I can smell" _He knew I was menstruating. He reall is a werewolf, CRAP! _

"How?" Grining He said "3 days before the full moon" _Oh hell might as well have asked how he likes his steak rare or screaming and begging to be laid rare. Wait what I'm not beging to be laid. Ok so maybe I was a little._

"Now let me go" I knew the look in his eye. _Fck me, no not Fck me bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Mind out of gutter, NOW! _

I let out a barely audiable "No." _well that cam out firm…NOT!_

I turned away from him to get stronger restraints when I heard the belt fall to the floor. Before I could turn around I felt strong arms wrap around me.

"too late" _I'm a snowball and Hell here I come!_


	5. Chapter 5

"Remus" I managed to whimper out. "Yes" feeling him bring his nose to my neck. " I was wondering why.."

"I was wondering why _you_ smell like a wolf. But I know your human, maybe _later_ you can tell me." I decided several things at that moment to

1.werewolves or least Remus are very, very unconcerned about respecting other's personal space.

2.I believe I might like it

3.If Black doesn't get me out of here soon I won't be as pure as I was when I entered the room.

4. Oh shit! Remus got my shirt off and Black and Dad got the door open!!

"Remus" I said trying to get his hands off of me. "Yes cub" turning around I went from scared-whimpering-Morti/Cub to angry-violent-Mortimer. There was a reason, okay _many_ reasons, why I was never know to most of the I.D.E.s ( idiotic death eaters) one happened to be my very _bad_ temper, thank you Daddy for passing that on to me.

"Did you just refer to me as a _child_" it's a warning bell to all people when a little sprite of a female breaks the hold of a werewolf and ends up growling like a 7 foot werewolf. Yeah Remus dropped his hold on me turned tail and ran with my Dad and Black behind him. Just as they figured out within the next 5 minutes I was trained well all my life to be able to run, dodge, and fire hexes with the best accuracy. The only one who was safe from my fury was dear old daddy at least until he tried to hang me to the ceiling by me feet with my own invention!

Lets just say I learned early on when Auntie Minnie would take are of me to always stay on her good side especially when I did a bit of accidental magic that made her turn into a cat-woman with the magic words which was the worst phrase for her "bad Kitty."

I found aunt Minnie in the sitting room, talking to Dumbledore and Harry, both valiantly trying not to laugh, nursing a cup of spiked tea, with her tail fur spiked up and swinging violently at random pillows. Holding up a small box as a peace offering I deposited the box and ran away cackling like a mad witch! I decided to run even faster when I heard her screaming out "Mortimer Silintra Snape, you get your ass back here!" followed by the various weasley voices screaming out "she's a Snape!" and "but she's Hot! NOo!!" It might have been the twins but I couldn't be sure. Especially when your, meaning me, running from a Mad Cat Woman because you gave her very frightened mice!

It wasn't until I told her who the mice were that she calmed done and smiled wickedly that I actually felt somewhat bad about letting Aunt Minnie take the mice with her talking about play a fet cat and mouse games. Oh well maybe she return them in one piece.

That was until I realized that I gave her the writer I was suppose to confront and get the _precious_ memoirs from. _Shit! Oh well I guess dumbledore will finally be able to corner me and ask those questions I was able to avoid. Damn! Well its not like I have anything better to do, no do I? _

"Morti?"I was awakened from my thoughts be a very up close look at Harry's pores. "Gah!"

"Ah Miss Snape back to our world are we?" "Turning to sit in Aunt Minnie's I got comfortable, this was going to be a very long talk.

So Sorry about the wait I just barely remembered that I had a story on fanfiction hopefully I can finish. If not I'm going to just redo it.


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